Ba-dum tss

This is not a follow up to my death post. You'd have to have some kind of sick mind to post this and immediately die. It would be funny, but... no. Come on. 

Let's talk about the “ba-dum tss” style rim shot— that's how I know them: “rim shots”— for a comedian or entertainer, or the odd musical/dinner theater setting. It has become a full blown internet meme, so people are probably going to be working it into all kinds of lame acts, and you may have to actually do it in public sometime. I've had to a few times in the course of working cruise ships. Even if the performers or the material were hacky, there was always a level of professionalism— so I'm talking about doing it during an actual act, not just to screw around when the singer says something dumb. God help you if you get stuck doing it at the Firestone company picnic talent show or something— that's a  situation you cannot rescue. Anyway, let's talk about doing it and not sucking. 

First, you don't have to play “ba-dum tss.” You shouldn't play ba-dum tss. It's so obvious it will probably be interpreted as sarcastic, like you're inviting people to laugh at the comedian for sucking. That's not good. We don't need to do this at grandma or pre-school level. Usually all that is needed is a quick punctuation in one or two notes. You can be more interactive by listening to the joke and playing something appropriate for the rhythm or the subject. Not unlike what's happening here:

That's all worked out to correspond with the physical comedy, and normally you wouldn't go that long, but that's the basic idea. There should be some energy and variety. Though on one particularly awful show I played, there was a segment with several cast members telling rapid fire horrible hillbilly jokes, and after each punch line, one of them would hit a cowbell. It was actually effective, in a Pavlovian kind of way, and it became kind of funny. 

Here are some examples of things to play— those can go on any drum with any sticking you want, where applicable: 

Or whatever. I thought about it for five minutes. Think 1-5 notes, played fast. 

There becomes a little bit of a free jazz element to it, where you're winging translating a comic punchline into drumming language. On one show there was a joke about giving a mule a pill by blowing it through a tube— the punchline was “not if the mule blows first”, and I did a buzz stroke on the floor tom with a mallet. Reminiscent of a mule surprising you by blowing the pill back in your mouth. That was about the level I achieved on the whole sketch. You can use any unusual sounds you have on hand for variety— splash cymbal, cowbell, ratchet, bird whistle, whatever. It would have to be a pretty cornball show to get into too much of that.   

Some rules: 

• You can't bootleg it. The performer needs to ask you to do it, before the show— doing it on your own is heckling, and is not cool. Offering to do rimshots is in poor taste, like offering them a clown wig to wear in their act. They need to request it.  
• Don't interfere with the performer's timing. This takes some sensitivity. 
• Your timing is important— listen closely and follow the rhythm of the joke. You may hit something in the same groove as the joke, or you may go for a contrast— fast if the delivery was slow, slow if the delivery was fast. I've seen people deliberately blow the timing of the rimshot to highlight a real clunker of a joke, and that becomes the joke. Follow the performer's lead on that. 
• Unless the performer wants to feature you in some way, don't try to compete with him or one-up the joke.  
• You are not a comedian, actor, or entertainer. Have a good time, but don't mug for the audience, don't try to participate or get attention visually. 

Schticky hack comedy doesn't need to suck completely. Embrace it a little bit for what it is, when forced to do it. See it as a link to our vaudevillian past. 

Q & A: guitarist hunting

all guitarists until proven otherwise

I received this question in the mail today:

What are you looking for in a guitar player? What strengths/capabilities do you feel are the most important? Any thoughts on common pitfalls?

Most of the following applies to any instrumentalist, not just guitarists. These are all situations I've been involved in, though I haven't had to hire people in all of them.

First, at some point in your career, “looking for” becomes a different process— you know a lot of guitar players, and people who know guitar players, so finding musicians is not a problem. It becomes more about “which of these people do I call for this thing?” It's a lot harder when you're just getting acquainted with a scene, are not confident about approaching the better players, and/or don't know any players at all.

Often who you get depends on things other than musical ability: Are they available? Will they do my thing for the amount it pays? Do I like them, and do they like me? Do they present themselves professionally? Are they ethical? Will they possibly hire me for their gigs if I hire them for mine?

It's also very dependent on what I want him or her for: membership in a band, a recording project, a casual, a regular gig, a tour, a road gig, a one-off creative project? Is it a normal jazz situation with a lot of playing, or is it a genre act/project— pop, swing, bossa nova, blues, country, etc. Is it a creative project where I need someone with a strong independent creative thing, that also works well together with mine? Is it a songwriter situation, where I'm helping get musicians for someone else's project?

General baseline musical competency things include: being able to perform with minimal rehearsals, or no rehearsals, being able to read, being a strong listener, knowing a lot of tunes, having strong rhythm, being into getting a professional sound, being a strong creative player. Typically players I do anything with have to have to be strong jazz players. A major thing I look for in guitarists is that they are strong rhythm section players— they know how to be a rhythm guitarist and accompanist, not just a soloist.

If I'm looking for someone for a paying gig playing tunes everybody knows, or reading normal charts, it's very easy: with whom do I like playing the most, and who is available for the date? And keep in mind: if you have paying work to offer, you can call anyone. Your assessment of your own playing, and of how much better they are than you, doesn't matter— everyone wants to hear from you when you're offering a paying engagement.

For a road gig (I'm really thinking cruise ship or hotel), it should be someone who can do the job, who I can also live with for weeks or months. Often it's younger players who are available for that kind of work, so they may not be extremely well rounded— they may have only a college-level jazz education (or equivalent) and that's it. For a tour (say, 1-3 weeks), it should be someone I like playing with, who will represent my music well, who will be easy to travel with. It could also be someone who will help get gigs, or whose name will help publicity, or who will help with tour logistics in some way.

For genre acts, the person has to know the style, including the major repertoire, and should be into getting the right sound for it. I usually only play with jazz guitarists, and some of them are only really able to do their own thing; others will have one or two other types of music in which they're interested, or have background, and are able to give an actual genre performance.

If I'm helping a songwriter or other solo artist find musicians, I'm looking for someone polished, well-rounded, with good pop sensibilities (or whatever genre is involved), who is service oriented, and is a quick study with new material.

For my own group playing my music, I want people who are easy for me to play with, who also have very strong musical personalities, and who like my playing and my project.

Pitfalls are the opposite of the above: they can't play (they play wrong stuff, they have bad time, they get lost, they can't acceptably fake styles they don't know, they are poor rhythm section players), they can't play the kind of music I need them to, they play too loud, they're hard to be around in some way, they don't like my project, they have substance problems, they act unethically or unprofessionally, or they aren't available when I need them. Most of these never come up— people with these kinds of problems never make it on my list of people to call in the first place. Including people who are always busy.

I'm afraid all of that may not be very helpful to the questioner— as I said, just trying to get names of people and figure out who you even want to work with can be a much harder situation. The only answer to that is to do a lot of projects, play with a lot of people, try to meet everyone doing paying work in your city, and hear them play. Then you'll begin to know who can do what, who you want to do anything with. At the same time, you will be developing yourself as a player who fulfills all of the above conditions, too. 

Cruise ship pianist!

Here's something from Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency (usually dedicated to hyper-well-written humor): a straightforward interview with a cruise ship pianist. Good straight info for anyone considering that line of work.

Putting some things in

This is me at my most masochistic.

I'm back in updating my events band's book again- it's a long, tedious process- and thought I would continue to share the gory "thought" process with you. Previously I made lists of tunes I was pulling, for various reasons, and things I added to keep the band from mutinying right on stage, and things I wanted never to darken my tunelist again. After that great purging I'm now ready to do something constructive and add fresh material to the book. Fresh may not be the right word for 80 year old tunes we just haven't played in a while, but I think it's going feel great not having to lash another mile out of some of these old dray-horses.

So, here we go:

Allright, Okay, You Win - Crowd-pleasing blues tune a level or two of hell above Blues In The Night. Shares a page with the truly abhorrent Always, which people also love, and we'll probably have to play again. Maybe if we play this we won't have to play Night Train.

Blue And Sentimental - Easy 30's tune. Pleasant.

The Breeze And I -  A little "exotic" number, an alternative rhumba so I don't get beaten up for calling Frenesi again...

Canadian Sunset - Yah! Why??? It's pure Nelson Eddie schlock, the long, static form bores the crap out of saxophonists- ok, everyone- and we've played it to death. But, like a favorite old threadbare, reeking, rapidly-perishing sweater I just can't give it up...

Close Your Eyes - "Cool" jazz a la Doris Day. I love those '50's white lady singers... words you never think you're going to say.



More after the break:

Dispatches

Not that easy a life.

Here's a note I received from a British drummer currently working on a ship in the Mediterranean:

"I’m presently doing a stint as a cruise drummer in the Med and stumbled across your page.  I’m 8 weeks in and the life is interesting!!!  Parties, people, places and lots of performances.  I’m playing in one of the lounge bands doing 3-4 45’s a night.  7 nights a week.  Haha I’m sure you can appreciate that my body seems to be taking a bit of a pounding.  I was just wondering if the creeping sense of lethargy is normal!?

 I’m feeling pretty bushed most of the time,  I’ve not got cramping issues but I’m certainly noticing that the later sets and the louder sets outside on the pool deck are getting harder.

 If you’ve got any advice – or can think of any pad routines to help me keep a lighter dynamic I’d be really grateful.

 Keep up the great work on the blog, you’re keeping me sane!

 Kind Regards from another drummer in the high seas

 - Edgar in Livorno"

What you need is a month in the Mediterranean. It's hard to think of recommendations that don't involve me flying to Rome, taking a week or ten days- two weeks max- to get "acclimated", renting an Audi and driving to Livorno- via Orvieto, Firenze, side trip to Siena so I don't wear myself out driving- and relieving you for a month or so, but let me see what I can do.

First, you  may want to read my cruise ship drummer survival and playing quieter posts, if you haven't already.

The abyss

In this third installment of my events/swing band repertoire series (hopefully it's of some interest to the bandleaders/working drummers out there), we'll be confronting some of the things I've kept around strictly out of commercial necessity (the band would debate that, but never mind). Keep in mind this list represents but a tiny fraction of the godawful things I've been made to play in my life. And the most palatable fraction at that- many of these are not bad tunes at all- we've just played them so many times over the years we can't stand the sight of them. Yet in my book they remain...

As Time Goes By - Few things would give me greater pleasure than to purge this thing, but unfortunately it has become a standard father/daughter dance request at every single last bloody wedding in the world, and generally gets people dancing.

Begin the Beguine - The long, annoying form is a little bit of a crutch- the guys can glaze over and just play this little game of Chutes & Ladders and forget what is happening to them. We do swing this all the way through, in 4; we don't play it as a Latin.

Blue Moon - All-purpose "bluesy" 50's pop ballad. This song is to lounge pianists what Summertime is to girl singers in musical theater.

Cheek to Cheek - The dancers love it. Like it. Sort of. What am I supposed to do?


More of this sort of thing after the break:

Keeping the band happy.

More notes from revamping my book (my events band's performing repertoire, that is). Here I thought I would share some of the tunes I use to keep the band from going nuts over the more crass Moon River/Fascination/Makin' Whoopee-level of stuff we also perform.
 
A Sleepin' Bee, Look for the Silver Lining, There's a Small Hotel, This Can't Be Love, The Way You Look Tonight, Lullaby of the Leaves are good for establishing a mood before people are dancing, without wearing the band down with stuff like All of Me.

You Are Too Beautiful, Dedicated to You, I Loves You Porgy, Nancy with the Laughing Face, Stairway to the Stars are set-piece ballads that everyone loves- the band, listeners, slow dancers.

Beautiful Love, I Hear a Rhapsody, If I Should Lose You, You and the Night and the Music are regular blowing tunes for when you can get away with them. We try to get a couple of these in every night.  

More tunes after the break:

Updating my book

In preparation for a benefit gig this evening, I'm adding some new tunes my group's book, and more importantly clearing some of the ample dead wood. In case you're curious about the "thought" process that goes into such things, here are some of the things I'm pulling, and why.

Ain't Misbehavin' - I'm so sick to death of this song from playing it with singers, that I've never called it on a gig. Dead weight.

Autumn in New York - I like the tune, but I and the guys have played it behind one magician act too many. We used to play this a lot on the boats, until some staff thought it would be too traumatic for people to hear, because of 9/11. I didn't understand it, either.

Bernie's Tune - Something to keep the band from going nuts from playing too much Moon River and such, but I'm a little bored with it.

Blues in the Night - Show number which we never play. Miserable theater-person blues.

Chelsea Bridge - One of the greatest tunes ever, but too dark for this group, or rather, for the events we play.

Come Fly With Me - Not that well suited to an instrumental rendition. I've been keeping it around for Sinatra requests that never come.

Confessin' That I Love You - Good, small tune, but I call Look for the Silver Lining or There's a Small Hotel when I need something light like this.

The Continental - Chipper set-piece cha cha, with a little too-involved form for us to mess with. We'd rather just slog through Cherry Pink And Apple Blossom White one more time than wade through this thing.

Cotton Tail - Great tune, we just haven't found a place for it.

Cry Me A River - Singer tune. Do you really want to hear this at your wedding? 

Don't Get Around Much Any More - We play this a lot, but nobody I would hire should ever need a chart for this.

Many more after the break.

Survival tips for cruise ship drummers

My man Willie Blair, the only person
I know who could get away with
flouting most of the non-musical rules. 

I guess I had to actually write about drumming on cruise ships at some point, hey? Here are some tips for not getting fired, for not hating your life, and for generally acting like a pro when working that kind of gig.

Keep a positive attitude. Many if not most of the people around you are going to be really negative about the job, especially if they've been doing it awhile. It's important to not let their misery effect you, otherwise your contract can start to seem like a prison sentence. Keeping a positive, professional attitude will make you more attractive to people you are working with who may want to hire you or refer you for non-cruise ship jobs. And remember that you are getting paid to play the drums, which I thought was supposed to be your life's dream, or something.

Be easy to live with. Be reasonably quiet, clean, tidy, non-smelly, and non-funky, but don't be over-fastidious, either. Be aware of your habits and how they effect the person or persons you will be sharing a cabin with.

Learn to keep a low profile. Stay out of people's way- passengers, crew, staff, ship officers, security. If you're a loud talker and/or dresser prone to a lot of public clowning, change that. The crew should not notice you sunbathing eight hours a day.

Adapt to the situation, but not too much. Check yourself if the tacky/skeevy gold chains and silk shirts for sale in the ports of call start looking attractive to you. Usually this starts happening after a year or more  on  the job. Question the wisdom of the whole band buying custom golf clubs or bowling balls because there is an opportunity to use them a couple of hours a week. This  over-adapting to overseas postings is what Marines used to call "going asiatic"- adopting native behavior/dress, becoming over-reliant on houseboys to do things like polish your boots, becoming addicted to opium, etc.

Much more after the break: